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Discipline And The Autistic Child... When A Lack Of Understanding Leads To A Painful And Potentially Harmful Situation!!! Life with an autistic child is a difficult one - especially emotionally - for both the autistic child and the parent. Recently, however, the emotional distress I felt in daily life with autism was magnified, beyond what words can even begin to express, by my realization of what I had been – unknowingly - doing emotionally to my autistic son when it came to discipline! Discipline is a sensitive issue for all parents. So often I've heard parents complain that their autistic child was labeled as simply "undisciplined" and that "a good spanking would do him a world of good". Well... only the parent of an autistic child can truly understand just how difficult it can be to discipline a child - when there seems to be no answer as to why the autistic child does what he does. Too many times, I believe we make the mistake of disciplining our children as one would discipline a "normal child"... and herein lies, what I believe, may be a huge issue for both the parent and the child. The best way for me to explain this, again, is via an example. As I worked on my computer one day, I had a cup of coffee next to me. The cup only had about 1/3 of the coffee left in it. There were papers all about me, with my notes scratched on them. Zachary came into the office and saw the cup. He immediately proceeded to turn it over and I proceeded to pull his pants down and give him a small spanking in an attempt to "teach him" that this was "unacceptable behavior". Well, it was only two hours later that I realized he had done this because he literally could not help himself. Again - as with so much in his life - partiality had played a role... at the time, however, I did not recognize that! The cup was only 1/3 full... and given that I now know for a fact that Zachary can not properly process partiality, it now ( 2 hours later) made perfect sense to me as to why he had flipped that cup and emptied it in such a quick motion. Had that cup been full, he would have left it alone - I had seen him do that on many occasions in the past - but, now, I a very poignant way, I truly understood what I had done to my child! I had spanked him for doing something over which he had absolutely no control. This had happened very shortly after I had come to the conclusion that "partiality" was an issue for him... but, reacting to the situation, I did not make the appropriate "connection" at the time of the incident. Needless to say, I felt horrible. I had showed Zachary the concept of fractions but had not yet applied it to so many things in his life, specifically, for example, to the fact that a cup can be 1/3 full, etc. I had planned on working on that "example" in the near future but had not yet done so. Had, I done that, I am certain he would not have even touched the cup that was 1/3 filled because I would have provided the necessary label he needed to cope with the situation... it would have been that simple! Interestingly, I noticed that, in Zachary, if a partially filled bottle had a cap on it, such as a bottle of mouthwash, etc., somehow, that was better tolerated. It could simply have been that Zachary had tried to open partially filled bottles in the past with no success and now left them alone... but, I did want to mention this also. I was not sure if "a cap" made the bottle and its content more easily perceived as a whole - I suspected it did, but, again, it may simply have been that I had not noticed Zachary trying to open these in the past and failing due to the tamper resistant caps. Again, I caution parents to be careful in not assuming this was true for all children. There are many dangerous liquids in bottles, and parents should not assume that they will be left alone by any child! There are many situations that, in my opinion, parents and others in society, see as issues with "disciple" in the autistic child, but that, in actuality, are nothing more than issues with partiality! For example, Zachary has long had issues with running back and forth, down a hallway... never stopping in "the middle" of the hallway. Even if someone was "in the way", he practically "mowed them down" to get past them and to the other end. Again, it was an "all or nothing" motion... and there were no "in betweens". To someone observing this situation, Zachary would surely be seen as a "very rude, undisciplined and unmannered child". That, however, could not be further from the truth! Zachary is always careful to say, "please and thank you in everything", yet, with issues that deal with "partiality", he literally can not help himself... his brain simply is not allowing for that "in between" situation - at least not until that "in between" situation is taught! There is another story I need to share that also relates to the issue of discipline in the autistic child. I had once been in a grocery store with Zachary. This particular store had a small toy aisle as so many of them do. In that aisle was a small package of toy soldiers. Zachary had wanted me to purchase that item, but, at the time, I had told him no. Six months later, we returned to that same store. As soon as we had gone down the first aisle, Zachary said: "soldiers". At first, I did not understand what he was talking about... but, his sister did... she has a knack for always understanding exactly what he wanted. She reminded me of the packet of toy soldiers and said: "he wants the soldiers he saw last time". I couldn't believe it... how was it that he had such a fantastic memory for such things? If you put the stories of the "spilled coffee" and the "toy soldiers" together, you get another very real story - the story of a misunderstood child who was disciplined for something beyond his control and the story of a child who has a fantastic memory and will remember the fact, that, for some reason he can not understand, mom punished him for doing something he could help doing! You get the story of a child who was spanked for a reason he could not control or understand and you have a child with a fantastic memory... the two, together, make for a dangerous combination in the autistic child. I truly wonder how much emotional damage, we, as parents, teachers, and other all about these children are inflicting upon them simply because we did not understand them. Until the "offending situation", as the 1/3 cup of coffee, and the concept of what "1/3 is" was explained to Zachary and he understood that concept, he can do nothing but turn that cup over... his inability to process partiality properly would ensure that - until he had been taught otherwise! Add to this - the use of sedation and/or medications, and "therapy" methods based on punishment or negative reward systems - in an attempt to control a child who simply is not understood, and you get a very dangerous and harmful combination indeed! When I, personally, came to this realization as to how Zachary was affected by "partiality", I truly came to understand exactly what all that now meant for my child - every single aspect of his life had been impacted - his behavioral, social, emotional, sensory aspects - everything - and that impacted absolutely everything in how I, as a parent needed to respond to him! It was now critical to make him understand everything with labels, to explain every aspect of every situation - a huge task indeed, but a very necessary one! Now that I realized this, I, personally, felt a great deal of emotional distress - knowing I had punished my child in the past when he literally had no control over what he was doing, and knowing that he had a fantastic memory simply made matters worse! I can not even begin to describe the pain I felt at the moment of that realization and the pain I still feel to this day for having punished Zachary when he simply did not realize what he was doing, and truly could not control himself! :o( This is an issue that will always weigh very very deeply on my heart. I can only hope that since I now understand his problem, that I can help erase some of the horrible memories he surely must have of mom getting upset for so many years and his not understanding why! :o( Finally, let me say that I find autistic children, in most cases to be very very intelligent children. They understand so much more than we can ever imagine. Not being able to communicate back to someone does not mean that something has not been understood. While on the phone, I often used to say to people who wanted me to visit: "Well, I really can't... with Zachary... it's just too hard". I no longer say that because I now realize he truly understands this comment... and I know he understands so so much more. For example, when I had to go to Canada to pick up his sister who had been at a horse camp for a week, I told Zachary as I put him down the night before I left that "mommy was going to get Anika"... and I told him I would be gone for 2 or 3 days. When I said that, he answered: "2 days". He understood completely! Thus, to parents, teachers - indeed everyone - I would just caution you to be careful of what you say and do when it comes to such issues. Those little ears do understand - and be very careful when a stressful situation occurs and you want to discipline your child to first look at the source of your child's behavior. I urge you to evaluate the situation, and make absolutely sure that the reason for which you think discipline is necessary has absolutely nothing to do with the autistic child's inability to process partialities, because, if it does, than punishing or "disciplining" that child for his actions will do nothing to help him understand the situation and why "it was wrong" to do what he did. Undoubtedly, it will take all parents a while to come to see the huge role partiality plays in life, but soon, like me, you'll be able to spot the issue in an instant. And when that happens and the "offense" is as a result of this inability to process partiality, look not at the moment as one for discipline, but rather, seek the lesson you need to teach your child as it relates to partiality. In truth, I would say that when the urge to discipline occurs, look immediately at the situation, not the child. What is wrong with the situation that caused him to do what he did? These "situations", when they result from an inability to process partiality need to be viewed as excellent opportunities to find out exactly what your child needs to understand... what issue, what concept, etc. Only then, will your child truly strive as, with each explanation and each label, he is more and more able to cope with daily life! :o) SEE ALSO UPDATE TO THIS SECTION: Difficulties In Discipline |
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